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December 04 12/4又混了一个学期，上课，睡觉，应付功课，去纽约，cram for the exam... 不只不觉一个学期就过了。I think life is pretty boring. At the beginning of the semester, I felt excited to go to nyc during weekend to meet him, but now, I just see it as a way to escape this boring PhD life. Feel really tired and sometimes lost on the way between Ithaca and NYC. Sometimes, I feel depressed. I don't know if i am suitable for academia, in another words, I don't think I am smart enough for it. I don't know wut should do for my research, my math is not as good as others who want to do theory, and my english is not as good as those who want to do empirical study, and i even don't know if i have the intuition... maybe I should really work hard, then I will know the whether i am smart enough for this... Going to study harder next semester. I guess I will go to nyc less often in the future... September 25 Busy PhD lifeMy first entry this semester. My first year PhD life is soso (so far so good), met a lot of nice people, studied a lot, went to nyc a lot, and went to class a lot. (only skipped two classes so far) haha. But for some reason, my mood is not that great, and I don't exactly know why. Classes are not too bad, even though I hate Macro; relationship is fine (jl said it is great); ithaca's weather is not too bad yet; also, i also met new friends. Maybe i think phd life is kind of boring and maybe, i miss my J&J.
anyway, two exams next week, kind of screwed. I guess I will work really really really really hard this weekend. No Jling... June 17 life is not toooo badagain, haven't updated my blog for a long time. I guess that's because i am getting old, and have no urge to update my blog and share my feelings. And to be honest, it takes at least 15 mins for me to add a new entry. Or, maybe i am just become lazier... hehe.
Life is not treating me too badly these days, eat, sleep, play tennis, grocery shopping, learn how to drive and cook(still not good), and watch movie... and spend most of the time on internet. I like this kind of life, I mean at least I don't mind for a short period of time ( can't do this for more than 1 month), enjoy sunshine, seafood, can sleep as much as i want, no deadline, and no stress. Maybe the only thing I need to worry about now is the low balance in my bank account, lowest in 3 years. Haha, I guess it's just like Chinese stock index. But I guess it will be fine. I mean my bank account, not sure about Chinese stock (maybe in 5 years).
So, what I am going to do for the rest of the summer? Will stay in California till 26th, and go back to NYC, hang out with my friends, sing, eat, and go shopping! um... what else? "Prepare for grad school?" Are you kidding me? I have been the school for 4 years already!!! Anything else I am missing? maybe will go to atlantic city? but no long a big fan of gambling. I guess my mind is so peaceful right now and really don't feel the need to do anything productive. I guess it's my first time not feeling guilty when I don't do anything productive. Life is good (knock on hard wood), I hope it will continue to be so. April 05 4/5Haha, haven't updated my blog for a while again. Went to duke early this week. It's pretty nice in terms of weather. But I don't think there is enough incentive for me to move out of ithaca. For some reason, I kind of look forward to next sem.
I was going to write a pretty long entry, however, I realized that my long entries are full of complaints. I guess there is nothing much to complain in my life now. Even though I didn't get into my dream school, but I guess I can live with Cornell. life is not treating me too badly either, at least i am in a pretty good mood, but I think I should spend more time on the thesis. Yeah, that's what I am doing now. Haha, so look forward to the spring and summer. January 23 01/22有一段时间没有写blog 了. 最近日子过得还好，但好像好多事都不在自己掌握之中。原本满怀憧憬的grad school application, 也是一团糟。亲爱的prof 到现在也没寄出我的recommendation...也不好多催，只好听天由命。visa 的事也蛮头疼，要是进不了grad school, 还得申请OPT.... 还有就是relationship, hahaha, 不用说，会闲到无聊写blog, 我应该是对现状不满... 有时真的想过放弃，可是又觉得可惜，可有的时候真得很讨厌那种被人遗忘的滋味... 矛盾，迷茫，为什么最后一个学期都不让我轻松点呢？
算了，抱怨完了还是得做该做的事。 让自己忙些吧，充实些... December 16 end of semesterSoooo tired these days! I was overwhelmed by the job interviews, GRE, school work and application for grad schools!
I think I did fine on my finals, grad schools application went fine I guss...
After this grad school application process, I finally realize how crappy my writing is! i guess one goal for this winter will be finish reading War and Peace!!!
hopefully i will have a good rest, enjoy the nice weather in west coast, sleep, read, and waste time! hehehe December 01 12/1Haven't written any blog in another two weeks. MJ came for the thxgiving break, but i was too busy study GRE, didn't spend enough time with her. Fortunately, GRE was not too bad, given that I had only studied for a week.
Grad school application is pretty painful, still pretty confused about my future, too many things to think...
I think I should be happy to be in a relationship, but sometimes, I just think too much... which is not healthy.
Winter is coming, not excited about it at all! i guess i am going to las vegas, and likely SF. But nothing is comparable to going back to see my parents... pretty sad! don't know why, still feel lonely sometimes!
I guess only thing i can do now is to pray, hope god can give me directions! November 16 11/16haven't written any entry for a while... life is not treating me so great! got rejected by all the 2nd rounds I went to... that's kind of unusual and I am kind of sad of course.
Now, preparing for grad school...GRE, personal statement, and this semester's GPA... and the worst news is that for visa issue, i can't go back to china this winter...
fortunately, i still have some goals in my life, get into a top grad school.
relationship with friends and jl are pretty good now. at least i feel i have been loved by them! Life is not too bad afterwards! I will keep fighting for what I want! October 22 10/21went to nyc last thursday, didn't see my beloved mj, but my beloved xx, pretty happy!!!! miss her a lot! at least I missed those times when we went to boston together, played poker and badmington every weekend. without kevin, there are not so many "all-in" moments.
very unproductive this weekend, pretty tired. hanged out with friends yesterday, slept today, and... didn't do much.
still looking for a job! the only things i can do now are preparing and praying! after talking to my advisor on wed, i sort of have urge to go to grad school! stanford will be my first choice, nice weather, west coast, and... near to SF! most important, good reputation!
anyway, don't know where my future will be yet, will find it out soon!
October 15 10/15not very productive this weekend, even though I have tons of work next week! exams, interviews....when am I going to be settled? hope it's not going to take too long!
ithaca is pretty cold these days, this weather kind of reminds me of last year's ...
was listening to the songs that I listened to very often last year, they brought those memories and feelings back... miss those times a lot!
have to study now!!! exam tomorrow, have no clue wut is going on in that class! I have to say LIFE SUX!!!!! October 08 就当作过去我生命中不曾有你there is nothing I can do about the past... Yes, I regret alot about wut I did, but I am not able to change anything now... I have no courage to call that old friend to talk about it, and I can't pretend that nothing happens. So, why not just stop thinking about this meaningless thing that I have no power to change its past nor the future. It bothers me a lot, kept having nightmares... I believe 4 days in a row already. Right, I value our friendship a lot, but since thinking about it disturbs me, then why not just pretend as I have never had such a friend before... I know it sounds pretty cold-hearted, but that's the best thing I can do for myself.
Anyway, this break is not too bad, even though was not very productive... I went shopping, had nice meals with jenny all over ithaca! Going to do some work tonight and go to bed early today!
October 04 10/4好久没用中文写blog了，今天就用中文写。
这两天的interview 做的不大好，也许生病了，也许累了，或许， 也不清楚
那天听到的话，不知是流言，还是事实，只是，心好像被狠狠戳了一刀，不对 ，是把旧的伤疤掀开，再抹上盐巴。
对已犯下的错，我无力再去改变什么，一味的自责并不能让我们回到从前。曾经那么好的朋友，如今...
也许我真的在乎那份曾经纯洁的友谊，在乎那个人对我的关心，顺着我，宠着我... 只是，这只是过去。
也许现在不该想这些，还是回去写作业，准备明天的interview 吧。 October 01 9/31/07Prepared for the case study the whole weekend. However, have been pretty sick. My throat sore, even am not able to talk without coughing. Don't know how to deal with interviews tomorrow...
Still don't know what I really want... which is really bad... September 23 9/23For some reason, a lot of my friends updated their blogs today, and for some reason, a lot of them are about friendship... miss my old friends, maybe I just miss those times... Sometimes I ask myself what really happened to change our pure friendship... is that all my fault? or people changed as time passed by? I don't have the answer.
Actually I don't have answer to my relationship with him as well... friends? good friends? or.... Again, I don't know.
I don't have time to figure those answers out, maybe I become more realistic now... I have to stay focus, tons of work! Don't want to have emotional breakdown again! Need to stay strong!
+U SS September 17 9/16/07This weekend i not very productive... didn't really do anything. What did I do? I don't really know. Hanged out with friends, went to Mall on Sat, and basically slept today! But still didn't have enough sleep for a long time. Need to go to bed early, like now!
Broke my promise last night, haven't paid the price yet! but I really will keep distance from this dangerous trap!
need to be more productive in the coming week! September 14 9/14I thought I wrote one on 12th, but for some reason, it was not updated!
Life is not too bad these days, even though I didn't work as hard as I could. I still give myself a lot of free time and space, such as watching tennis, going shopping, watching drama... But I have been pretty productive and organized these days, at least I can finish my work ahead of time and in a pretty decent quality.
Felt kind of lonely last night when I thought about what I should do tonight... I don't feel like going out tonight in a group setting, but those friends i used to hang out during friday nights either graduated or are no longer available for me...
sounds pretty depressing here... but I am not depressed at all! I decided to clean up my room, kitchen, bathroom, do laundry, and maybe get some work done tonight!!!
Keep it up!!! September 09 9/9Life is not too bad these days, even though I have tons of work these days, at least I think i can get concentrated now!
pretty productive today, not tonight though... hehe, talked with mom on the phone for like 2 hrs+
still feel lonely sometimes, want a company... but i know I can' afford it right now... pretty proud of myself, even though sometimes I get too close to the boundary line, fortunately, I am able to tell myself that is dangerous and pull myself back! When i listen to those songs, for some reason, my eyes are still watery...
still a lot of things to do tomorrow, but mood is still not bad
wow, very very very late today! need to keep my regular sleeping schedule! August 27 New SemesterNew semester starts... nothing really exciting... many of my good friends left... miss them a lot!!!!
A lot of things to do for this new semester, 5 classes, looking for a job, applying for grad school, taking GRE...
I don't dislike this semester's classes, at least better than last semester...
saw him yesterday, the feelings came back again, which is not a good sign. I can't really afford that now, have to cut all possible interactions.
I guess I will be romance-free this semester, no more drama... at least have to be
if I work hard, keep focus, and remember my priorities, I guess I will be able to enjoy my last year at Cornell! August 13 8/13/2007Couldn't fall asleep till 530 this morning while I was on the bed since 11... Why did it take me so long to fall asleep? Maybe because the cup of coffee (all xx's fault!) hehe, maybe feel guilty about doing something that God doesn't like, such as not going to church last nite (xx's fault again!), maybe... wutever, no need to find out the real reason.
I hope i can get the regret and guilt out of my mind. I hope I will have the courage to talk about it and apologize for being irresponsible.
I feel like I am sleeptalking right now... going back to ithaca soon. look forward to it. Time to gain my confidence back!
August 10 8/10/2007I got very mad last nite by checking thefacebook. I was really mad! But after talking to sandy and mj, my anger just disappeared. Still in a good mood today, just kind of sleepy (didn't go to bed till 1) hahahaha. That's not too late... I guess I am developing a good life style now. I hope to keep it for next year. My skin condition is not that bad anymore, I guess that's because I am in such a good mood. I guess going to church really helps! I mean, I am sure God can help me.
Reading a book called "I kissed Dating Goodbye". It is a pretty good book, at least I learned a lot from it. My attitute towards relationship of guys was wrong. Most of time, our friendship is not pure. I enjoyed flirting with them, getting their attentions, and feeling special. But is that really what I want? Most of the time, I could get guys' attention, however, I still felt lonley and unsatisfied. At the end, I lost two of my closest friends in Cornell by doing this. By playing this game, I gain nothing but hurting others as well as myself.
Next semester, I will give more of my energy to my work. And I will try my best to build healthy relationships with guys.
10 more days, I am going back to ithaca! I believe everything will be great!
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