went to nyc last thursday, didn't see my beloved mj, but my beloved xx, pretty happy!!!! miss her a lot! at least I missed those times when we went to boston together, played poker and badmington every weekend. without kevin, there are not so many "all-in" moments.

very unproductive this weekend, pretty tired. hanged out with friends yesterday, slept today, and... didn't do much.

still looking for a job! the only things i can do now are preparing and praying! after talking to my advisor on wed, i sort of have urge to go to grad school! stanford will be my first choice, nice weather, west coast, and... near to SF! most important, good reputation!

anyway, don't know where my future will be yet, will find it out soon!

 

not very productive this weekend, even though I have tons of work next week! exams, interviews....when am I going to be settled? hope it's not going to take too long!

ithaca is pretty cold these days, this weather kind of reminds me of last year's ...

was listening to the songs that I listened to very often last year, they brought those memories and feelings back... miss those times a lot!

have to study now!!! exam tomorrow, have no clue wut is going on in that class! I have to say LIFE SUX!!!!!

there is nothing I can do about the past... Yes, I regret alot about wut I did, but I am not able to change anything now... I have no courage to call that old friend to talk about it, and I can't pretend that nothing happens. So, why not just stop thinking about this meaningless thing that I have no power to change its past nor the future. It bothers me a lot, kept having nightmares... I believe 4 days in a row already. Right, I value our friendship a lot, but since thinking about it disturbs me, then why not just pretend as I have never had such a friend before... I know it sounds pretty cold-hearted, but that's the best thing I can do for myself.

Anyway, this break is not too bad, even though was not very productive... I went shopping, had nice meals with jenny all over ithaca! Going to do some work tonight and go to bed early today!

 

好久没用中文写blog了，今天就用中文写。

这两天的interview 做的不大好，也许生病了，也许累了，或许， 也不清楚

那天听到的话，不知是流言，还是事实，只是，心好像被狠狠戳了一刀，不对 ，是把旧的伤疤掀开，再抹上盐巴。

对已犯下的错，我无力再去改变什么，一味的自责并不能让我们回到从前。曾经那么好的朋友，如今...

也许我真的在乎那份曾经纯洁的友谊，在乎那个人对我的关心，顺着我，宠着我... 只是，这只是过去。

也许现在不该想这些，还是回去写作业，准备明天的interview 吧。

Prepared for the case study the whole weekend. However, have been pretty sick. My throat sore, even am not able to talk without coughing. Don't know how to deal with interviews tomorrow...

Still don't know what I really want... which is really bad...

For some reason, a lot of my friends updated their blogs today, and for some reason, a lot of them are about friendship... miss my old friends, maybe I just miss those times... Sometimes I ask myself what really happened to change our pure friendship... is that all my fault? or people changed as time passed by? I don't have the answer.

Actually I don't have answer to my relationship with him as well... friends? good friends? or.... Again, I don't know.

I don't have time to figure those answers out, maybe I become more realistic now... I have to stay focus, tons of work!  Don't want to have emotional breakdown again! Need to stay strong!

+U SS

This weekend i not very productive... didn't really do anything. What did I do? I don't really know. Hanged out with friends, went to Mall on Sat, and basically slept today! But still didn't have enough sleep for a long time. Need to go to bed early, like now!

Broke my promise last night, haven't paid the price yet! but I really will keep distance from this dangerous trap!

need to be more productive in the coming week!

I thought I wrote one on 12th, but for some reason, it was not updated!

Life is not too bad these days, even though I didn't work as hard as I could. I still give myself a lot of free time and space, such as watching tennis, going shopping, watching drama... But I have been pretty productive and organized these days, at least I can finish my work ahead of time and in a pretty decent quality.

Felt kind of lonely last night when I thought about what I should do tonight... I don't feel like going out tonight in a group setting, but those friends i used to hang out during friday nights either graduated or are no longer available for me...

sounds pretty depressing here... but I am not depressed at all! I decided to clean up my room, kitchen, bathroom, do laundry, and maybe get some work done tonight!!! 

Keep it up!!!  

Life is not too bad these days, even though I have tons of work these days, at least I think i can get concentrated now!

pretty productive today, not tonight though... hehe, talked with mom on the phone for like 2 hrs+

still feel lonely sometimes, want a company... but i know I can' afford it right now... pretty proud of myself, even though sometimes I get too close to the boundary line, fortunately, I am able to tell myself that is dangerous and pull myself back! When i listen to those songs, for some reason, my eyes are still watery...

still a lot of things to do tomorrow, but mood is still not bad

wow, very very very late today! need to keep my regular sleeping schedule!

New semester starts... nothing really exciting... many of my good friends left... miss them a lot!!!!

A lot of things to do for this new semester, 5 classes, looking for a job, applying for grad school, taking GRE...

I don't dislike this semester's classes, at least better than last semester...

saw him yesterday, the feelings came back again, which is not a good sign. I can't really afford that now, have to cut all possible interactions.

I guess I will be romance-free this semester, no more drama... at least have to be

if I work hard, keep focus, and remember my priorities, I guess I will be able to enjoy my last year at Cornell!

Couldn't fall asleep till 530 this morning while I was on the bed since 11... Why did it take me so long to fall asleep? Maybe because the cup of coffee (all xx's fault!) hehe, maybe feel guilty about doing something that God doesn't like, such as not going to church last nite (xx's fault again!), maybe... wutever, no need to find out the real reason.

I hope i can get the regret and guilt out of my mind. I hope I will have the courage to talk about it and apologize for being irresponsible.

I feel like I am sleeptalking right now... going back to ithaca soon. look forward to it. Time to gain my confidence back! 

 

I got very mad last nite by checking thefacebook. I was really mad! But after talking to sandy and mj, my anger just disappeared. Still in a good mood today, just kind of sleepy (didn't go to bed till 1) hahahaha. That's not too late... I guess I am developing a good life style now. I hope to keep it for next year. My skin condition is not that bad anymore, I guess that's because I am in such a good mood. I guess going to church really helps! I mean, I am sure God can help me.

Reading a book called "I kissed Dating Goodbye". It is a pretty good book, at least I learned a lot from it. My attitute towards relationship of guys was wrong. Most of time, our friendship is not pure. I enjoyed flirting with them, getting their attentions, and feeling special. But is that really what I want? Most of the time, I could get guys' attention, however, I still felt lonley and unsatisfied. At the end, I lost two of my closest friends in Cornell by doing this. By playing this game, I gain nothing but hurting others as well as myself.

Next semester, I will give more of my energy to my work. And I will try my best to build healthy relationships with guys.

10 more days, I am going back to ithaca! I believe everything will be great!

 

I guess new york's transportation really sucks! No R, E, F, G, V running this morning from Queens to Manhattan... bus waiting line was SUPER LONG... took a cab to work... still half an hour late...

but mood was not tooo bad hehehe. I guess I love that book. I finally found the peace of my mind by reading that book. I guess God is the only one who can save me. Should ask him for help long time ago.

Now, I really look forward to next semester. No fear at all! A lot of challenges, and I am excited about all of them. I guess this summer is good! I got recharged my dead battery!

The only thing I am worried about now is my decision for my future. Working? or grad school? Do I want to graduate earlier or to finish the honor program? Maybe God will guide me as well this time!

No worries, no fear, I just do what I should do, work harder, spend less time on msn or phone, eat healthier, excercise more and be happy! hehehe

stupid ss is at work, but no work for her today

stupid ss dialed 9255862537 this afternoon, surprisingly, someone picked it up

stupid ss didn't know why she would dial those 10 digits, it brought her no excitment

stupid ss talked on the phone for 12 mins while she should work (work? no work for her today)

stupid ss didn't feel heartbroken this time, and no tears in her eyes as well

does that mean stupid ss is no longer stupid? or she will get stupider by crying 11pm on her bed while listen to those songs?

who knows, stupid ss... when can she become smart ss?

stupid ss is going back to her lunch...

 

Went to church this weekend, first time in the past year. Maybe that is why I was so confusing. I hope I really can find the peace of my mind there. Met some new friends, they are nice!

working life is still boring, but at least I like my co-workers. hehehe.

did something pretty unshushenged today, but maybe it's a good sign. Sign of changing. I guess people won't change till they truly realize how stupid they are. I guess it's my first time being rational in the past 12 months.  

I guess mj is right, I am moody, but at least now my mood is not too bad.

going back to ithaca in 3 weeks! can't wait! wait! I have actuarial exam in 3 weeks as well! have to study hard for it!

正如mj 所说，我很moody, 最近心情又不是很好，不知为什么，总觉得无聊，没劲。时常会想起一些早该遗忘的事。自己真得很矛盾，有时觉得好累，可是不知为什么，还是会不经意的想起。 不知道是真的喜欢，还是对一些得不到东西的占有欲。 看着以前的blog, 发现自己曾经是那么的理智。

I don't really know wut I am writing, for some reason, the AC trip was not as excited as I expected. Maybe, I am even no longer a gambler. Or, maybe, the thoughts that were on my mind on friday night ruin my good mood for the weekend. Sometimes, I really want to dial the number, but sometimes, I ask myself, will this be the real solution? what am i going to say if someone answers the phone? am I going to be happier that way? I look forward to the new semeseter since I want to have more challenge nad have new beginning. However, I am afraid that I will fall into the same trap again. But, I know, I can't afford it. I used to think, if I had a work, I would think less of the meaningless stuff, but I guess I was wrong. Sometimes, I really don't know the meaning of love or relationship, I thought I was rational, and I had ability not to fall for anyone, but I guess I was also wrong. Sometimes, I just can't justify my actions. I hope I can one day, I can find the solution. Hopefully, it won't take long... I guess when I am exhausted, I will get the solution

something unpleasant happened on this weekend, wasn't very happy about it.

Fortunately, life is not too bad after all the mess. I still have mj! truly appreciate what she has done for me! I guess I don't feel lonely anymore! and all of sudden, I see my goal of life again! Work Hard and Be Happy!!! For some reason, i really look forward to next semester. Hehe, I guess I just like fall semester more than spring! and I like more work than less work! Going to AC this weekend! hahahahaha, winning$$$ hehe

wow, another month without any blog entry... Working life is boring... I guess I will prepare to go to grad school.

mood is still not too good, at least not fully recover. Maybe the computer is too old, need to get a new one.

Feel kind of frustrated at myself, why would I dial that number again after one month? Didn't I promise myself???

Really need to find something to make me happy now, feel like that life has no meaning...

I guess I update I don't really write blogs very often. I think I wrote 5 in total in the past semester. Hoho, a really really really bad semester... it's like a disaster... 3.08 GPA... hohohoho!

But anyway, that was then... I finished this semester at least. Going to work this summer, study actuarial and GRE, and erase something from my memory. I need to recharge since i know the battery died already.

Had been very confused for the past 3 months, confused about life, goal, relationship, school work.... even forgot about my priorities. I guess it's a good time for me to take a break, enjoy the summer, and move on.

I hope everything will be fine eventually, at least I will work hard for wut I want.